To be honest, The Commentary has almost run out of ways to reduce the stress around finals. This edition features a student-written column on exam hacks. In the past, we have posted advice from the experts on exam preparation. We have also debunked myths about the grading curve. Earlier this trimester, we even lightened the mood by sharing professors’ stories about their worst grade in law school.

The obvious next step? Pure escapism. This month, we polled the faculty on which colleague they’d rate the most likely to survive a ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE.

Read their nominations below, and then vote for your pick!

If it’s based off of sheer athleticism, it would be Scott Ehrlich. He does triathlons… there’s no doubt about it, he would outrun everybody! Or it would be Campbell. Professor Campbell is a survivor: he’s lasted tough administration and polo accidents, and I imagine he’d survive zombies. Or it would be Professor Conte. That man has represented the worst of the worst and could find a way to get out of a sticky situation. — PROF. DEKOVEN

Tom Barton would survive because he would turn sideways and the zombies would not be able to see him. Bob Bohrer would survive because he would convince them that human flesh is not FDA approved and therefore he could not be eaten. Jamie Cooper would have them all shipped to Chile, so it would be their problem. Rob DeKoven would convince them zombies are an oppressed minority and should form a rainbow coalition with humans. Dan Yeager would pelt them with abstruse, technical questions about crim pro and remedies until they got so confused they would only be able to walk in circles and bump into each other. Paul Gudel would bore them to death with rambling, incoherent stories about the ‘60’s. — PROF. GUDEL

Scott Ehrlich, seeing as he is most in-shape of all the professors. If there was a patient zero to be the initial source of the infection, it would Professor James Cooper since he’s always everywhere. — PROF. WEINSTEIN

Justin Brooks, because he’s already made a career out of pulling people out of death row. CLEAR WINNER. IF Brooks doesn’t make it: Mike Dessent – He could charm anyone out of anything including a zombie. Honorable Mention: Librarian Linda Weathers, and anyone who has not gone to see her office will need to visit it to understand why. — PROF. KLEIN

Zombies? I don’t believe in zombies and there’s no such thing as a zombie apocalypse. There’s an apocalypse every day in Torts class, though! — PROF. COOPER

It would be Professor Brooks or Professor Cooper. Professor Brooks would say, “You were unjustly turned into a zombie.” Professor Cooper would say, “I can help you find your family.” Both have an ability to adapt. The rest of us are way too intellectual – we’d be dead-meat (or dead-alive-meat?). — PROF. CAMPBELL

Professor Klein and Professor Black – they are so nice that they probably would end befriending the zombies and inviting them to dinner. 🙂 — PROF. FINK

I believe that lawyering skills, skills deriving from intellect, would greatly contribute to survival in a zombie apocalypse. On that score, a number of my colleagues would qualify. I wouldn’t be able to choose just one! — PROF. THYFAULT

Professor Ehrlich – only a top-level zombie triathlete would have a chance of catching him. — PROF. BOHRER

I know I would not last long – I would take pity on the zombies and try to help them and they would eat me.  I think Professor Ehrlich would be the most likely to survive. He’s very fit and strong so he could run (or bike or swim) away from the zombies, and he’s good and rallying people and organizing things.  I could see him as a successful post-apocalyptic leader. — PROF. HARDEE

Professor Art Campbell.  He’ll have the horse to ride away on and the polo mallets and skill to beat off the zombies. — PROF. BROOKS

Well, we all know that surviving a zombie apocalypse is an endurance event.  So I would have to choose Professor Ehrlich, who is a competitive triathlete. — PROF. CASEY